The beauty of children is their intuitive eye for little miracles. My son introduced me to a family of hatching killdeer chicks. We were able to witness their arrival into the world. It was an experience worth kneeling in the scorching heat for; which we did until the distressed, protestations of their parents moved us to pity. We sat as still and quietly as possible and let our awe wash over us. In those moment, I was present. What a gift it was to witness one of life’s transitions.
At the very same time, a dear friend is going through a life changing transition. I am not near enough to hold her hand through these changes and it makes my heart ache. She has been the first to call, the first to ask “How are you doing?” when my life has been difficult. So I send texts, care packages, and cards. She says it has lifted her spirits, but the truth is I do it for myself. Those cards and packages are selfish; they make me feel better, too.
I am frightened. Frightened of not doing enough or being enough in my relationships. This fear has pushed me to reach out, stay in contact, with my friend during her difficulty. This quote from the gifted writer Khaled Hosseini has been haunting me, “It’s a funny thing, Markos, but people mostly have it backward. They think they live by what they want. But what really guides them is what they’re afraid of. What they don’t want.” Since I have read that passage, I have seen the truth of it within my life.
Fear has been the motivation behind many of my choices. It lurks behind the surface motives of my life. Fear of marriage, fear of stagnation, fear of failure, and now fear of loss. I am afraid of losing my friend. I’ve been holding her as tightly as I can from a great distance.
Fear is not a negative emotion. It can be a catalyst for growth. I now know that my fear of loss is rooted in love. I act out of love. Love for my good-best friend and her brave, loyal heart. When I see her again, I will be still and I will be present, thankful for her presence in my life. My friend is hatching, like the little birds. She is casting off her shell and welcoming positivity and gratitude into her life.
Light and love.
Thanks for this inspiring post and your honesty about the fear of not being a good enough friend and how you can be there for someone even though they are many miles away. My sister lives in Australia, I’m in England, it is tough but, despite the miles, I know she is my greatest supporter. I’m sure your friend feels the same
Rachel, I love quotes, and the one you shared is profound. I’m reading The Valkyries by Paulo Coelho, in it he speaks of this poem, “And each man kills the thing he loves, By all let this be heard, Some do it with a bitter look, Some with a flattering word, The coward does it with a kiss, The brave man with a sword.” This speaks of the same kind of fear, I believe, fear and love and all the beauty and torture in opening up to experiencing all.
That is really what is all about isn’t it, Greta, opening up to good and bad, so we can truly live. I am a work in progress 🙂
an interesting perspective because i have always felt the opposite in my life.. fear can be a giant motivator of course, but i have always lived my life in a way that i push through fear and almost chase the feeling of being afraid. sort of like trying to run down hill and keep your feet under you, the joy of the unstoppable motion of life.
Its hardest when it comes to death, I have been struggling with the same worries about my grandfather, but he is the one who taught me to live this way. Its frightening, but like the delicate chicks hatching I just remind myself that its all a cycle, and we can only give everything we have while we are a part of it. to dismiss your affections for your friend as only based on fear is to sell yourself short.. because you recognize the emotion behind it and at the end of the day, you are still giving a part of yourself and she surely appreciates it, even if it is because you are afraid to lose her. Of course you are afraid, I just try to remind myself “death is but the next great adventure”
I love your blog, it always reminds me of home.
Thank you for sharing your wise insights, I truly appreciate it. Letting go of a person or an emotion is so difficult, but the lightness and gratitude we feel once we have let go is worth the process.
All I can say is…”WOW!” So eloquently written and so true. We had a nest of Kildeer chicks in the gravel culdesac…nearly in the driving lane. I couldn’t move them so I piled some big rocks on two sides to protect them and keep cars from driving so close to the nest. They too survived, just like the ones in Goat Grandma’s corral. Amazing!
🙂
They nest in the most inopportune places don’t they? It is a miracle the eggs survive to hatch, but they do. The killdeer must know something we don’t 😉
I love the honesty in your writing – it’s why I will always come back. I am sure your friend feels your love. xx
Thank you friend.
WOW! Now THAT was a real eye opener!! I just saw myself in your writing……..thank you, thank you, for that……….I am 60 years old and just learning to KNOW myself. Slow learner!! or maybe late bloomer?!! We had a nest of killdeer smack dab in the middle of our corral during early summer gathering, working and shipping of our cattle several years ago. I thought for sure they would be toast after many days of working cattle …….but low and behold not ONE cow or horse stepped on them and they hatched out just fine shortly after. I think it was a miracle!!
How beautifulily said.
Thank you for sharing your newfound wisdom. I was touched.
Nancy
Rachel, this is so wise, and what a treat to see the killdeer chicks!
Jane
Thank you, Jane. It was a very special treat to see the chicks, I look forward to killdeer babies every year.